Now where did I put those life plans?

I feel empty… incomplete… like something’s missing. I’ve forgotten something somewhere or that there was something I was meant to do perhaps.

I feel a bit lost to be honest. I created this blog as an outlet but still hold back at times.  I was just laying here wondering who I could talk to and nobody came to mind.  Growing tiresome of holding it in.

I wouldn’t say I’m an overly organised person but I need to know what is happening.  Lack of control scares me. The unknown puts too many possible options in my head. I’m sure I’m not the only one,  but when you’re young you have an image in your head of how things are going to be at a certain age. The milestones that you would have passed.  The place you’d expect to be in life.  How you would feel. The people you would have in your life.  As I got older the image would change.  The plan would change every few years, as different things take priority in life. To the point where I don’t know where I am,  I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or where I want to be. Perhaps I do in a dream world sense but how much of that could be a reality in real time.

It’s come to the month of December,  another birthday looms.  It’s almost a year since I had a similar episode and created a list of things I wanted to have experienced or achieved in 5 years time, to help me get through the confused place I was in.  I’m moving through it,  I’m ticking things off.  Doesn’t quite feel like the solution,  but I guess it helps knowing I’m trying to make the most of what I can.

I fear aging.  I fear wasting time doing nothing.  I fear regret of not enjoying years that should be enjoyed. I fear just existing and not living. I fear living my life anxious and miserable when I have so much to be grateful for. I know I am still young and there’s lots of time, it just doesn’t seem like my plans are even on the horizon or within reach.
I spent many years thinking I had found the correct path for me , finding a new religion, changing my way of life, which totally threw me off my original path and plans and then for that to fall through. I feel like I’ve been picked up and placed at the start line again after getting a third of the way through the race. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure it out what it is I want now.

Maybe the solution is to let go of that control. Perhaps if I don’t worry about having been single for so long, it would just fall into place at the right time. If I didn’t worry about if this is the career I want to spend doing for the rest of my life, I could just focus on doing what I am and move into something else if the opportunity arises. If I stop worrying about my biological clock ticking away, it would take away the pressure of someone meeting the tick list in my mind and maybe then I could actually feel something for someone. Perhaps if I focused less on my loneliness and lack of friendships I can appreciate the lifestyle and friends I do have. It’s just easier said than done. I wish I knew what I want. I wish I knew what I need. I wish I knew where I was going. I just have to let go, maybe then I’ll be happy living in the present instead of anxious about the future.

:)

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” –Japanese proverb

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“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” — Marcel Pagnol