Archive | June, 2013

Do not chase people

27 Jun

Be you

Longing to belong…

19 Jun

The Raven Girl, by Wayne McGregor and the Royal Ballet

Ok imagine this…It’s a bit of a strange concept but just go with it. There once was a postman seemingly quite depressed with a mundane lonely life, he went to what appeared to be some sort of sea side to relax and found an injured young bird (a Raven). He took the Raven home and took care of it and helped it fly again, the bird was released and he carried on with his life. He returned to the place where he found the Raven a few years later and the Raven he had helped was there. Ok now this is the strange bit… they had some sort of connection which happened to be love, yes a human and bird relationship. So he takes the bird home and they have their little interspecies relationship, which leads to an egg, lets avoid any thoughts of bestiality (is it still called that with a bird? :S ). Ok so the egg produces a half human half raven child, with an inclination towards being more human. She had human tendencies and capabilities such as learning to ride a bike, but as much as she tried she could not fly. Now the odd couple bring some suitcases as it is time for the Raven Girl to “fly the nest.” She leaves and travels around to try find a home, she comes across other humans who laugh at her because she can’t speak. She comes across other Ravens and they fly away from her. Throughout she has a bit of a stalker, who I think likes her. Later she comes across a professor giving a talk about interspecies mutants, she ends up in a relationship with the professor who operates on her to give her wings to help her fly and basically uses her as an experiment, there is some kerfuffle with the stalker guy and her parents and the professor gets killed. Then it comes to the end where she finds someone like her and they dance away in bliss.

Now what on earth am I talking about, if you have seen the show or read the book you might be aware that is my summarised take on ‘The Raven Girl’. It was a ballet performance that I was invited to go watch, I didn’t know much about what I was going to watch, so the above was just my interpretation of what I saw.
Ok, where am I going with this? Well though initially it was really confusing with its rather bizarre concept, I developed an understanding and connection with Raven Girl and thought perhaps it was a abstract take on a more general concept. I come from a multicultural family, my parents are not only a different race, but quite different cultures . I never really understood how that relationship ever came together, maybe not as strange as a man and a bird, but yea. This may or may not have been the intention of the author or choreographer, but this was a very clear connection I developed.

As a young child I found it easier to have two cultures and adapting to fit into each, however as I became a teenager I found it harder. I would try to be a part of a eastern culture and felt like an outsider, I was treated as someone that didn’t really understand how they live, things were translated and explained for me though I did have some understanding. Don’t get me wrong people made efforts to include me but I just didn’t feel like I was one of them. The same applied to the other side of the family, I was treated as foreign, I didn’t feel like I had the same views I didn’t feel comfortable enough to say I genuinely fitted in. The eastern and western difference in culture meant that the two families didn’t merge much so I would have to be almost two different people to fit in. Eventually I ended up taking a step away and isolating myself from both to try to develop who I am (which I still haven’t really found). This made me think could my confusion in myself be related to my mixed heritage, culture and upbringing. I personally think that having multiple ethnic backgrounds doesn’t necessarily affect self identity if the parents and family have a similar culture or are supportive of and embrace each other’s culture. If the couple do not appreciate each other’s culture and create a competitive and derogatory attitude to each other’s way of life then this would naturally have an impact on their children.

I am in no way trying to say that biracial relationships are a negative thing, I am simply talking about my own experience and how I feel. I love my racial diversity and this made me open to and gave me a greater understanding of others differences from a younger age, and developed my empathy and ability to try to think from other peoples mind set. However was this at the cost of knowing who I am? Is it a positive thing to have several personalities and not really know myself? Will I forever be in a state of longing to belong somewhere? Is it normal, do many people of mixed heritage feel this way? Do people from one racial or cultural background feel lost in regards to their identity too? If The Raven Girl is anything to go by, is finding yourself necessarily in finding someone like yourself, or is it simply in someone who can understand and accept you as you, help you find who you are without it having to reflect them?


5 Jun

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” –Japanese proverb

So tell me about yourself…

4 Jun


The most cliché question to come out of… yes you guessed it interviews! Argh!

I, like many other graduates have struggled to find a suitable career after finishing my degree, damn you recession! So obviously there is odd jobs, retail jobs and maybe the not so well paid slavery type jobs. However when you have gotten yourself potentially in a lifetime of debt, you don’t want a job that you could of had without the debt. So after attempts to “build my way up” the career ladder, I realised my attempts at creating a career were quite stagnant. This made me consider a back up career, so what can I do? Go and get in some more debt lol. Yes so basically I am currently a student again doing a post-graduate degree.

As I’m coming to the end of my year of study I’m going through the dreaded procedure of looking for a job. This means interviews! I can whole heartedly say I hate interviews, sometimes I can be a bit of a pessimist so the weight of awaiting the judgement, then the whole procedure of the judgement day and then the anxiety of waiting for the result of judgment. It really doesn’t help when its on top of the stress of your studies, but so is life.

Sooo, this is my second degree, some more debt, second attempt at starting a career, need to pay of my debts, living off money that is rapidly running out, need money to get back out of parents house, wait I need money to pay for my life, I’m 24 and I haven’t started my career, I’M 24 AND I DON’T HAVE A JOB! OMG! What if I don’t get a job this year I’ll be 25 without a job? I’ll be 5 years away from 30! Shit, this article says that my eggs reduce by 90% at 30, I’ll be 5 years away. What if I’m 30 and I still live with my parents, I haven’t started my career, I don’t have no money, couldn’t afford to have kids, then I won’t be able to have kids. I’M GOING TO BE THE CRAZY LADY WITH 12 CATS!!!

Anyhoo so what was I saying? Ah yes interviews, so knowing my anxiety I’m going to be a prepared bugger, GOOGLE! Research interview questions, write up answers practice, I am freaking awesome! Walks into interview “Hi, so tell me about yourself?” eeeeeeerrrrrrrr? Really? Really? All that practice and I don’t know who I am! My mind just goes blank, and its always that hand shake moment when everything I forgot to say floods back into my mind, Oh hey I just remembered a few paragraphs you can add to your scribbling there as I’m about to walk out the door. So interview after interview, “its all good practice” they say, but its bloody depressing, and with the list of consequences ever growing in my head as the weeks go by. Another “Unfortunately you have not been successful”… Screw you sir! Erm could I get some feedback please?

Persevering when so close to wanting to give up then today… I GOT A FLIPPING JOB!!! I am so happy, the anxiety and negativity feels a million miles away. I can appreciate all those experiences helped build my confidence and got me to where I am now. Sometimes in life we might not know the benefit in something, but there is always something we can learn from it. Turns out they were right, persistence and perseverance, if you can manage to muffle out the growing negative thoughts and keep plodding on, believe in yourself, believe that you can and will succeed, have patience and you will.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and will always solve the problems of the human race.” –Calvin Coolidge


3 Jun

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” — Marcel Pagnol

I’ll save you!… With my eyes?

1 Jun


So I’d like to think I’m a good person, that when faced with adversity I will step up and do my duty as a decent, empathetic, caring human being, sort of.

So yesterday, fairly pleasant morning for May in the UK this year. I was sat in my Dad’s living room, yes I am 24 and still living at “home” (sigh). The living room has glass patio doors which look out into the garden, we haven’t lived here long, but senior citizens lived here prior to us (look at me being all politically correct), so the gardens pretty nice to look at, thank you dearest old folk. Where was I? Yes so sat on the sofa peering out with my warm beverage of hot milk in hand, lol I’m not helping the “I’m an adult” claim. The wind blows, the plants wobble about, but one plant is moving around a bit more than the rest. Oooh creature! I love animals from a distance, well I’m scared shitless of anything that moves beyond my anticipation, but its behind a screen so I’ll embrace the live nature documentary.

A small, grey thing which seems to be rolling around in the same spot in the bed of plants. Look a little closer, its grey bird flapping about. Charlie’s good deed of the day? Well if stating the obvious is a good deed, hell yea!

“There’s a bird flapping about in the plants” my dad and one of my little brothers go out to look and it doesn’t move so they assume its dead. Maybe in the attempt to make me look insane the bird only moved when I was looking at it. So as any caring person I think its hurt I should help it, use my initiative, get some plastic bags for makeshift gloves and make my 12 year old brother go pick it up. It doesn’t want to be picked up so it goes a bit wild and ends up stuck in some sticky plants. RSPCA are rather blasé, I thought this was meant to be the emergency services for animals! Wouldn’t leave a human with a broken arm to just lie there, actually sounds about right for A & E. Got my Dad on the other hand wanting to euthanize little tweeter, so I do what I do best and keep watch. Now in my head I felt like I’m doing something of benefit for this bird, it is stuck in some sticky plants with a broken wing, but fear not Charlie is going to save you with her stare. Sounds rather sadistic now, but I didn’t want to stress it out (It would just freak me out if it moved when I touched it) and didn’t want Dad to end its existence, so lets call it standing guard. So I sit squatted on the floor for a good half an hour, waiting for the RSPCA to get back to me, with a pair of nail scissors in hand trying to snip it free from the clutches of the evil plant, even though the bird can’t fly, clever Charlie.

My Dad gets pissed off with me hovering around, in about 5 seconds comes out with a shoe box, puts the bird in and hands me the box. I so could of done that.

The point of this story? It just made me question can you be a genuinely empathetic and caring human being if you are a complete and utter pussy. Yes you may have good intentions, but if it doesn’t reach beyond a thought process how is it of benefit for anyone or anything for that matter. Fear, stupid fears, like it would be understandable if there was a threat. How would I react if it was a person? Mind power them to safety? If you don’t actually DO anything to help, does it really matter if you feel sorry for it?