Archive | December, 2013

Dear Grandad,

31 Dec

A few weeks ago they brought you into hospital, saying you only had 24 hours to live, but you proved them wrong. Time had turned against you and your body wasn’t responding to the treatment they were giving you. Yesterday the doctors told us that they will be stopping your treatment. It seems this would be your last visit to the hospital.  I didn’t know what to say when you were still awake, I wasn’t sure if you’d hear me, but I hope you were able to hear me when I held your hand. Its only when its too late do you realise all of the things you should have said, and even then, I don’t think there is enough words.  Because of your strength the nurses thought you will be ok and didn’t let us all stay the night last night.

This morning you passed away, I wasn’t there, I missed you and didn’t get to tell you how grateful I am. I don’t know if I believe that this message will ever get to you, but I will just have to hope.

First of all I want to tell you that I love you with all my heart and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you enough in recent years. I will miss the way you always have that cute grin on your face, with that little chuckle, the slight shuffle when you walk, the dramatic stories of your youth and your love of the word “suddenly”.
You are my one and only grandad, and that makes you more special than DNA. Those other men couldn’t hold a light to you, and I don’t care what anyone says you earned the name and made anyone else unworthy. For that I want to thank you, I want to thank you for being my grandad.  Thank you for letting me be your princess, your fifi. I never told you that am I grateful for all you done for me when you didn’t have to. You were the one who’d come pick me up from school when I felt ill, you took me on all the little holidays that you and granny went on, you spoilt me with little shopping trips, you made me laugh. Even after granny passed away, you still always remembered my birthday, came to visit and brought me a present every year, even after all the hassle everyone gave you after her death. I know you loved her dearly, and I want to thank you for taking care of her through those difficult years, and thank you for accommodating me so that I was able to stay with her even when she was ill. If there is an afterlife, I hope that you can finally be reunited and be with her now.
I’ll always remember the trips in your car, playing the radio, your glasses, the secret tin of weathers originals in the glove box, the picture of Saint Padre Pio on the dashboard and the distinct smell of your cigars.

There are some years that we can never get back, but I’m glad for the time we have had. In recent years I want to thank you for being proud of me and my achievements, even when you were struggling to walk, you came on a 3 hour journey to come watch me graduate. It makes me happy to know that you were proud of me, that you always told people about me and even that you thought I was a good cook. Thank you for being protective over me and always giving me advise about money, work and putting men in their place. Thank you for believing in me. I’ll always remember how you told me to not take nonsense from anyone, and if a man ever thinks he can mistreat me I’ll remember how you said you would use all your strength to give him a punch, whilst throwing your fist in the air.
I’m sorry I didn’t visit more often than I should have, I’m sorry for every moment you ever felt lonely. I’m sorry that I didn’t talk enough when I visited, I’ll miss the way you loved to chat away. I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you.

Seeing you over the last few weeks has been difficult, the quiet replaced the chatter, the weak movements replaced your active gestures. It’s a hard thing to accept but I’m glad you don’t have to suffer through that pain anymore. I’ll remember you with that cute grin on your face, the little chuckle watching “Carry On” films or “Columbo” programmes, the slight shuffle when you walk and the heroic tales of your youth, telling people to “get aat’ve it!” and your love of the word “suddenly”. Most of all I will remember you as the man that takes a special place in my heart as my grandad.

Love you and Miss you,

Princess x


Believe in yourself!

26 Dec


Socially Inept

26 Dec


Got some free time? Check. Got some spare money in your pocket? Check. Interested in exploring different cities? Check. Go grab some companions and go! Oh erm… Uncheck.

Hi, I am Charlie and I am socially inept. What do I mean by this? Well I just seem unable to deal with most social interactions normally, rather awkward when it comes to social etiquettes and customs. Not to the extent where I won’t leave my room but it can be highly uncomfortable in a lot of social situations. It can be rather irritating especially when you feel like it is holding you back from things that you want to do. I don’t think I have always been this way, but I do believe it is a by product of being an only child.

As a child I had a very dominant personality, and for some reason my friends chose to buy into this hierarchical friendship, which made me ring leader that got her own way and not a very pleasant one either. As teenage years approached I had a similar personality however people weren’t as keen to put me on a pedestal.  This quickly made me aware of the judgement of others. I didn’t exactly feel the social anxiety at the time but I was very avoidant of certain social situations. I liked and still liked the company of those I know, I and still am not very keen on getting to know new people. I didn’t know why at the time, my friends that did put up with me, simply thought I was blunt and rude, and at the time, I assumed that was what it was. As time went on my friends eventually made larger social circles, while mine dwindled. I decided to put myself out there and go to a university in another city where no one I knew was going, and hoped that this would force me to be more social, and it did, I tried but it didn’t feel right, I felt highly uncomfortable. Eventually I only made two close friends and the others remained associates. I went out and all the rest but my problem is not with social activity, but with making genuine friendships.

My problem with getting to know people is not as a result of a lack of effort, I don’t actually know how to explain it but I either click with people or I don’t. If I do not click with someone initially I know I will always feel slightly uncomfortable and have to make a forced effort around them. I can’t consider someone my friend unless I feel at ease around them, where there isn’t a need for fake small talk, which I find really hard to do. Making friendships isn’t as simple as getting to know someone. If I don’t “click” with someone, my mind goes blank, nothing goes through my head and I panic, I end up asking random uncomfortable questions, and if a question is posed to me I can only respond in one word answers. People perceive this as being rude, but I genuinely can’t help it, I can only see the blunt answer in my mind. Knowing that they are thinking this, I begin to notice the awkward silences and gaps in conversations which makes me feel urgent need to escape. Its not often that I feel comfortable talking to someone, even those I have known for years, if I don’t remain in regular contact it can often feel like I’m getting to know someone again, with the same awkwardness, but as they are one of the “clickity” people things eventually are ok. Although it is difficult for me to maintain relationships, it is a lot easier to cut people off than make the effort to keep the friendship alive.

I don’t have a close relationship with my family members including my parents, so as odd as it sounds I feel this slight awkwardness around them, even family gatherings. I like being at social events just as long as I’m not required to talk too much, and an escape route is available. My friends I have known for years think that I am strange for still feeling awkward around their parents. Oddly I don’t seem to have the same issue around men in the most part. Making myself sound like a flirtatious vixen now haha, I find them to be less judgemental, if I mess up or act like a complete idiot, they don’t really care. Particularly if they are making the effort in the conversation, I guess if someone likes you they are more willing to lead the conversation, and probably take my behaviour as playing hard to get. Although I dislike phone conversations with anyone, I have unlimited calls on my phone contract and I think the only people I call are my mum and maybe one or two friends that I feel comfortable talking to. Which is why I love the internet, oh social media I do love you! The ability to take your time to think of a response and keep in touch with people is so helpful, as this isn’t something I find easy to do in a general sense

I’d love to be able to be more social, I do feel restricted because there are things I would like to do with company; such as travel and going out. I have grown accustomed to doing things by myself because it feels more comfortable than having to ask someone, but it is lonely and depressing. I try to push myself, but I know I am different, and though in a sense I don’t care, I get anxiety thinking people will think I’m boring or odd. The way someone who doesn’t know me would describe me is very different to someone who does, but I know I can’t be myself with people initially. I do have my moments if I’m with people I am used to where I can act normal and totally disregard the uncomfortability of new people, so I’m not a complete social wreck, but I do need a lot of work. Just really unsure of how to get over this hurdle. I partly feel like I am wasting my youth, when I could be enjoying this time rather than having to stop myself and think, I’ve got nobody to go with. The lonely life of the unsociable.