Tag Archives: Anxiety

Now where did I put those life plans?

30 Nov

I feel empty… incomplete… like something’s missing. I’ve forgotten something somewhere or that there was something I was meant to do perhaps.

I feel a bit lost to be honest. I created this blog as an outlet but still hold back at times.  I was just laying here wondering who I could talk to and nobody came to mind.  Growing tiresome of holding it in.

I wouldn’t say I’m an overly organised person but I need to know what is happening.  Lack of control scares me. The unknown puts too many possible options in my head. I’m sure I’m not the only one,  but when you’re young you have an image in your head of how things are going to be at a certain age. The milestones that you would have passed.  The place you’d expect to be in life.  How you would feel. The people you would have in your life.  As I got older the image would change.  The plan would change every few years, as different things take priority in life. To the point where I don’t know where I am,  I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or where I want to be. Perhaps I do in a dream world sense but how much of that could be a reality in real time.

It’s come to the month of December,  another birthday looms.  It’s almost a year since I had a similar episode and created a list of things I wanted to have experienced or achieved in 5 years time, to help me get through the confused place I was in.  I’m moving through it,  I’m ticking things off.  Doesn’t quite feel like the solution,  but I guess it helps knowing I’m trying to make the most of what I can.

I fear aging.  I fear wasting time doing nothing.  I fear regret of not enjoying years that should be enjoyed. I fear just existing and not living. I fear living my life anxious and miserable when I have so much to be grateful for. I know I am still young and there’s lots of time, it just doesn’t seem like my plans are even on the horizon or within reach.
I spent many years thinking I had found the correct path for me , finding a new religion, changing my way of life, which totally threw me off my original path and plans and then for that to fall through. I feel like I’ve been picked up and placed at the start line again after getting a third of the way through the race. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure it out what it is I want now.

Maybe the solution is to let go of that control. Perhaps if I don’t worry about having been single for so long, it would just fall into place at the right time. If I didn’t worry about if this is the career I want to spend doing for the rest of my life, I could just focus on doing what I am and move into something else if the opportunity arises. If I stop worrying about my biological clock ticking away, it would take away the pressure of someone meeting the tick list in my mind and maybe then I could actually feel something for someone. Perhaps if I focused less on my loneliness and lack of friendships I can appreciate the lifestyle and friends I do have. It’s just easier said than done. I wish I knew what I want. I wish I knew what I need. I wish I knew where I was going. I just have to let go, maybe then I’ll be happy living in the present instead of anxious about the future.

Induction over!

8 Aug

Respite at last! My induction year at work is finally come to an end. I have not been on WordPress for several months now, it got so intense and overwhelming at times it partly made me want to leave the profession. I guess everyone goes through difficult times in their careers, especially at the start when there are high expectations to meet to prove yourself. I’m just hoping that things ease up a little bit, with experience comes better expertise and hopefully things will come more naturally, or at least I’ll learn to deal with the stress and anxiety better.
It really didn’t help with my anxiety, it was at a peak and even on my days off I couldn’t relax, with a constant feeling of pressure in my chest. Although I am a naturally negative and pessimistic person (which I wish I wasn’t) I hate that it is only a year into  a career that I thought would make me happy, but I have now built such negative feelings and associations with it. After all we probably spend just as much time working as we do having free time, if not more. Is it really healthy to feel that way so often? It was stressful. I am well and truly burnt out. Was it worth it? Only time will tell.


Socially Inept

26 Dec


Got some free time? Check. Got some spare money in your pocket? Check. Interested in exploring different cities? Check. Go grab some companions and go! Oh erm… Uncheck.

Hi, I am Charlie and I am socially inept. What do I mean by this? Well I just seem unable to deal with most social interactions normally, rather awkward when it comes to social etiquettes and customs. Not to the extent where I won’t leave my room but it can be highly uncomfortable in a lot of social situations. It can be rather irritating especially when you feel like it is holding you back from things that you want to do. I don’t think I have always been this way, but I do believe it is a by product of being an only child.

As a child I had a very dominant personality, and for some reason my friends chose to buy into this hierarchical friendship, which made me ring leader that got her own way and not a very pleasant one either. As teenage years approached I had a similar personality however people weren’t as keen to put me on a pedestal.  This quickly made me aware of the judgement of others. I didn’t exactly feel the social anxiety at the time but I was very avoidant of certain social situations. I liked and still liked the company of those I know, I and still am not very keen on getting to know new people. I didn’t know why at the time, my friends that did put up with me, simply thought I was blunt and rude, and at the time, I assumed that was what it was. As time went on my friends eventually made larger social circles, while mine dwindled. I decided to put myself out there and go to a university in another city where no one I knew was going, and hoped that this would force me to be more social, and it did, I tried but it didn’t feel right, I felt highly uncomfortable. Eventually I only made two close friends and the others remained associates. I went out and all the rest but my problem is not with social activity, but with making genuine friendships.

My problem with getting to know people is not as a result of a lack of effort, I don’t actually know how to explain it but I either click with people or I don’t. If I do not click with someone initially I know I will always feel slightly uncomfortable and have to make a forced effort around them. I can’t consider someone my friend unless I feel at ease around them, where there isn’t a need for fake small talk, which I find really hard to do. Making friendships isn’t as simple as getting to know someone. If I don’t “click” with someone, my mind goes blank, nothing goes through my head and I panic, I end up asking random uncomfortable questions, and if a question is posed to me I can only respond in one word answers. People perceive this as being rude, but I genuinely can’t help it, I can only see the blunt answer in my mind. Knowing that they are thinking this, I begin to notice the awkward silences and gaps in conversations which makes me feel urgent need to escape. Its not often that I feel comfortable talking to someone, even those I have known for years, if I don’t remain in regular contact it can often feel like I’m getting to know someone again, with the same awkwardness, but as they are one of the “clickity” people things eventually are ok. Although it is difficult for me to maintain relationships, it is a lot easier to cut people off than make the effort to keep the friendship alive.

I don’t have a close relationship with my family members including my parents, so as odd as it sounds I feel this slight awkwardness around them, even family gatherings. I like being at social events just as long as I’m not required to talk too much, and an escape route is available. My friends I have known for years think that I am strange for still feeling awkward around their parents. Oddly I don’t seem to have the same issue around men in the most part. Making myself sound like a flirtatious vixen now haha, I find them to be less judgemental, if I mess up or act like a complete idiot, they don’t really care. Particularly if they are making the effort in the conversation, I guess if someone likes you they are more willing to lead the conversation, and probably take my behaviour as playing hard to get. Although I dislike phone conversations with anyone, I have unlimited calls on my phone contract and I think the only people I call are my mum and maybe one or two friends that I feel comfortable talking to. Which is why I love the internet, oh social media I do love you! The ability to take your time to think of a response and keep in touch with people is so helpful, as this isn’t something I find easy to do in a general sense

I’d love to be able to be more social, I do feel restricted because there are things I would like to do with company; such as travel and going out. I have grown accustomed to doing things by myself because it feels more comfortable than having to ask someone, but it is lonely and depressing. I try to push myself, but I know I am different, and though in a sense I don’t care, I get anxiety thinking people will think I’m boring or odd. The way someone who doesn’t know me would describe me is very different to someone who does, but I know I can’t be myself with people initially. I do have my moments if I’m with people I am used to where I can act normal and totally disregard the uncomfortability of new people, so I’m not a complete social wreck, but I do need a lot of work. Just really unsure of how to get over this hurdle. I partly feel like I am wasting my youth, when I could be enjoying this time rather than having to stop myself and think, I’ve got nobody to go with. The lonely life of the unsociable.