Tag Archives: Health

Dear Grandad,

31 Dec

A few weeks ago they brought you into hospital, saying you only had 24 hours to live, but you proved them wrong. Time had turned against you and your body wasn’t responding to the treatment they were giving you. Yesterday the doctors told us that they will be stopping your treatment. It seems this would be your last visit to the hospital.  I didn’t know what to say when you were still awake, I wasn’t sure if you’d hear me, but I hope you were able to hear me when I held your hand. Its only when its too late do you realise all of the things you should have said, and even then, I don’t think there is enough words.  Because of your strength the nurses thought you will be ok and didn’t let us all stay the night last night.

This morning you passed away, I wasn’t there, I missed you and didn’t get to tell you how grateful I am. I don’t know if I believe that this message will ever get to you, but I will just have to hope.

First of all I want to tell you that I love you with all my heart and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you enough in recent years. I will miss the way you always have that cute grin on your face, with that little chuckle, the slight shuffle when you walk, the dramatic stories of your youth and your love of the word “suddenly”.
You are my one and only grandad, and that makes you more special than DNA. Those other men couldn’t hold a light to you, and I don’t care what anyone says you earned the name and made anyone else unworthy. For that I want to thank you, I want to thank you for being my grandad.  Thank you for letting me be your princess, your fifi. I never told you that am I grateful for all you done for me when you didn’t have to. You were the one who’d come pick me up from school when I felt ill, you took me on all the little holidays that you and granny went on, you spoilt me with little shopping trips, you made me laugh. Even after granny passed away, you still always remembered my birthday, came to visit and brought me a present every year, even after all the hassle everyone gave you after her death. I know you loved her dearly, and I want to thank you for taking care of her through those difficult years, and thank you for accommodating me so that I was able to stay with her even when she was ill. If there is an afterlife, I hope that you can finally be reunited and be with her now.
I’ll always remember the trips in your car, playing the radio, your glasses, the secret tin of weathers originals in the glove box, the picture of Saint Padre Pio on the dashboard and the distinct smell of your cigars.

There are some years that we can never get back, but I’m glad for the time we have had. In recent years I want to thank you for being proud of me and my achievements, even when you were struggling to walk, you came on a 3 hour journey to come watch me graduate. It makes me happy to know that you were proud of me, that you always told people about me and even that you thought I was a good cook. Thank you for being protective over me and always giving me advise about money, work and putting men in their place. Thank you for believing in me. I’ll always remember how you told me to not take nonsense from anyone, and if a man ever thinks he can mistreat me I’ll remember how you said you would use all your strength to give him a punch, whilst throwing your fist in the air.
I’m sorry I didn’t visit more often than I should have, I’m sorry for every moment you ever felt lonely. I’m sorry that I didn’t talk enough when I visited, I’ll miss the way you loved to chat away. I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you.

Seeing you over the last few weeks has been difficult, the quiet replaced the chatter, the weak movements replaced your active gestures. It’s a hard thing to accept but I’m glad you don’t have to suffer through that pain anymore. I’ll remember you with that cute grin on your face, the little chuckle watching “Carry On” films or “Columbo” programmes, the slight shuffle when you walk and the heroic tales of your youth, telling people to “get aat’ve it!” and your love of the word “suddenly”. Most of all I will remember you as the man that takes a special place in my heart as my grandad.

Love you and Miss you,

Princess x

OMG your so fat, we need to put you on a diet!

11 Aug

Yeah I said it! Offended? A bit blunt? A bit rude? I agree. Just as that is not acceptable why is it socially acceptable to go to a thin person and say:
“Omigod, you are so skinny”
“Omigod you are so tiny”
“We need to feed you”
“Men like women with some meat on their bones”
“Do you eat?”
“Urgh its not even attractive to be that thin”
“Why do you go to the gym are you trying to disappear?”

Let me just translate that for you so you can understand how it would sound to a “normal” sized person:
“Omigod, you are so fat”
“Omigod you are so big”
“We need to control your eating”
“Men like women without those flabby bits hanging over”
“Do you ever stop eating”
“Urgh its not even attractive to be that chunky”
“Why don’t you go to the gym more are you trying to be bed bound?”

Why do people not understand to refer to someone as skinny or their skinniness in a negative connotation is just as rude and just as hurtful. At some point the media decided to promote the idea that the desired female body shape was a thin one, so thin models, thin celebrities emerged etc. This led to a somewhat defensive take from societies larger women, which leaked into media and stuck. The defensive point that “real” women don’t look like that, “real” women eat, men like women like this and so on and so forth. I get that the media and magazines are trying to support the “real” women of the world, to make them feel better, that they don’t have to fit a mould, but in the meantime made those that are thin to be perceived as something ugly. “Urgh you are not big enough” and a lot of it actively insults thin women. Inevitably doing the same thing the media did to other women by now giving thin women a mould to fit.

I personally am naturally thin, I literally cannot change that, I eat more than most of my friends and family, it can take me a whole year to gain a couple pounds and if I don’t eat the same large portions for a couple of days I will lose weight fairly quickly. Now is there something wrong with me? No. Am I purposely trying to be this size? No. But I’m not a “real” woman? How can people not see that, that would be hurtful. When someone tells a larger women she doesn’t meet the size criteria for someone’s ideal of beauty, it’s fine, someone else will find her beautiful. For thin women, the put downs result in their femininity and adulthood being taken away from them. They have a menstrual cycle, they have lady parts, some have the anatomy to have children, maybe I’m wrong but I think that makes them “real” women.

You might feel bad about yourself to boost your self-confidence you want to stick your middle finger up to the world and say “I don’t need conform to your idea of beauty”, but why do you then need to insult skinny women and make them feel like less of a woman, making them feel just as you did?  In the bid to promote the love of a plus size body we are demeaning those that are naturally thin. Should it not be a movement to accept that women are all beautiful in their own way?A movement of positive body acceptance, rather than a battle of who is better.

Not all women have curves!! I myself have body issues because of all these constant comments and negativity, but its not noticed, its something normal. Stuffing myself near puking point, oh its necessary because she needs to put on a few pounds.I joined the gym to try gain weight through muscle and keep fit, people will make demeaning comments about that. At one point I was buying herb supplements from an online distributer in Thailand, that promised me some curves and ended up with ovarian cysts. Bleeding for a month because of the over-supplemented amount of pro-oestrogen I was putting in my body, to try and be more womanly. In relationships I can’t fathom how they find me attractive and think I need to put on weight before they find a more attractive curvy woman to take their fancy, because media and society tell me I’m not good enough as me. Its not healthy but with my body issues I don’t turn around and think, hey I’m going believe I’m beautiful so I need to go and make negative digs at women bigger than me, because maybe if they feel worse about themselves it might make me feel better. I know that its not nice to make anyone else not feel good about themselves, especially in regards to things they cannot change. When people come up to me and feel it is fine to make negative skinny comments, I am tempted to say the same thing back, not to make them feel bad, but to make them realise how offensive they are being. Why is it acceptable to put down a skinny woman but it is not acceptable to do the same to a larger woman.

I have come to realise there is no one size fits all when it comes to beauty, some of my friends wish they had my body, and wish I had theirs. The men attracted to me like the way I look, accept the way I look and the men that are attracted to curvy women would not, and that’s fine.
I’m not quite at the body acceptance stage myself and am on a mission to try to gain weight because that is the idea of beauty that has been drummed into me, but I’d just like people to understand how we feel and think before they make a comment to put someone down just to make themselves feel better.I hope to one day be able to love and accept my body as beautiful. real-men-like-curves-meme