Tag Archives: Life

A letter to teenage Charlie…

20 Feb

I was reading a few articles where people had written a letter out to their teenage self, if they could tell themselves something, if they could advise themselves, what would they of said, what would they have warned themselves about. I thought it was a really interesting idea and wondered what would I inform myself of. As it turns out, quite therapeutic.

Hey Charlie,

Its me, well you in a decade or so, here are a few things I thought I’d give you a little heads up on.

Love: First and foremost, you are young, don’t even worry about relationships yet, there’s lots of time for that. Secondly why do you have to go for the unworthy knobs? You are going to look back and think WTF? There’s no rush, you won’t gain nothing from being in a relationship just to avoid loneliness. Don’t choose men with the intent to change them, remember that religion and culture are big factors that you can’t really influence, stop trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, you will never meet it. You choose people as indecisive as you. I know you don’t have feelings for the ones that would throw a fucking parade if they could be with you, but don’t just keep them there for your security, they have feelings too.
You really need to stop the “make sure there is no going back thing” your a bitch, stop it. Men need reassurance too, stop being so emotionless, they think you don’t give a shit, you make them feel easily replaceable. Don’t waste your time just for the sake of it, follow your instincts. What you want and expect will change. Don’t expose the depression too much, it scares ppl, they can’t deal with it, you’ll have to deal with that alone.

God: Guess what? Your going to become a Muslim, and a rather dedicated one at that, what are you laughing at, I’m serious! When you get to that point, stop Charlie, stop rushing, just stop… Think. Don’t do this out of fear of death. What are your reasons? How do you know this is the truth, undoubtedly ? Are you truly doing this for yourself? Take your time, read into it, learn about it, look at it from all perspectives before you make your declaration of faith. If you didn’t have the influences you have in your life right now, would you be doing this? You change your mind a lot, just take your time and don’t go in all guns blazing.  The people who are in your life right now are not going to be there for long, the people you will meet are not sincere, everyone will change, the excuses will change. Things will change a lot before you even realise you have changed, and it will be harder to come out of, than it is to go in. Make changes because you want to, not because you feel you have to. I know you don’t like being told what to do right now, but your entire life will end up dictated to you, you probably can’t even imagine that right now. You do need it, you will learn from it, it will change you and humble you a bit, but it will be an emotional rollercoaster. You will feel calm for a bit, things won’t stay that way, as for after that, I haven’t got that far yet.

Self confidence: Stop complaining, join the gym as soon as possible, you’re going to complain about not starting earlier. You’re still a little insecure, can’t help you there, but you’re actually going to lose the confidence that you currently front. Just remember You are beautiful, you don’t need to prove that to anyone, everyone has their own beauty, you don’t need to feel insecure based on other peoples ideals. Don’t let your insecurities make you make the wrong decisions.

Studies/career: Stop being a fucking knob, yes life is a bit shit but your only ruining your own prospects, you’re going to do quite well anyway but you could do a lot better if you made some sort of effort.  You’ll be ok, keep trying it will turn out better than you think it will. Erm after uni, find a place, get a job there!! There’s nothing interesting waiting for you in London, but make sure you visit your grandparents, they’re lonely, they’re not happy and they won’t be here much longer, do the right thing, its more important.

Family: I know its been difficult, you will get through it, forgive her, she doesn’t understand. Be there for everyone, but don’t stay too close, you can’t deal with it, you will get on better that way. He won’t forgive you, its ok, be there for them, but you don’t need them, they’ll tell you that you can’t, they’ll tell you your incapable, but you’ve got this far, you don’t need to reconstruct your child hood now. Fuck it, its done leave it in the past! They wasn’t there when you needed them, you don’t need babying now, pretending you’re incapable will not achieve you what you think it will.

Socially: You’ve probably learnt this already now, but don’t be afraid to do things alone. Travel too, do it, you haven’t done it yet alone, but take that leap you have more confidence now than you will in a few years time. Your life will still be undecided at 25, don’t hold back from doing things expecting to have to settle down by 25, you won’t need to, disappear, enjoy, don’t let your loneliness get to you, people will come and go, don’t put too much into it. I know you just want to let people in, but you’ll have to be prepared to be hurt a little. Don’t live your life for other people, you have to face your own consequences. As for what people think, who give a hoot! You know what is right in your heart, remember that.

Overall life isn’t too bad, you’ll be ok, it gets better before it gets worse, but I suppose that’s life, there are ups and downs. Nothing is set in stone, life will take turns that you aren’t expecting or didn’t plan for. As much as I’d like to correct my mistakes, these experiences are the things that make us who we are, experiencing the lows is what guides the path to the highs. The negatives construct knowledge of how to do things better next time. I still don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know what the future holds for me, and yes I do let it get to me sometimes, but I’ll just imagine a future me in 10 years time saying that things will all turn out OK, just do what you feel is right :).

Always here for you Charlie,
Lots of love,

Work to live, live to work

29 Sep

I haven’t posted in a while as I started a new job in September. A professional start to a career that I had been waiting for since I graduated from university… the first time around in 2010.

I was talking to my mechanic when I went to collect my car, we got into a discussion about starting my new job, and not having much time to fit in bringing my car for a service. My mechanic is a Christian and started to discuss how we live our lives for man-made concepts, and the way God intended for us to live with our family’s enjoying nature and not for money.

This made me think about the circular motion we tend to live our lives. We want to live well, we want to enjoy our lives, as much as we like to say the best things in life are free, there are plenty people who would disagree. I used to work in a place where there were groups of homeless people living in the garages behind the shop. They had company, they had people that cared about them, but they could not eat when they were hungry, they could not be warm in the cold, one of which died during the winter, many resorted to drugs because of the depression. To live life, comfortably, with enjoyment we need money. To get money we need a decent job, we hunt and we search and we’re filled with misery until we achieve our goal. Finally you get there, you get the job you’ve been dreaming of, the job with the good salary you wanted. You wake up in the morning 7 am to get ready to start your day, you finish work 5 pm and have an hour of travelling in rush hour to get home. You get home about 6 or 7 pm have your dinner, and you’re knackered, so you start the process to get ready for bed. Got to be awake early for work tomorrow! You work 5-6 days a week, when you get your days off, you had a couple of things hanging over from work that you need to catch up with so you think, oh I’ll just get it done over the weekend. You’re tired and drained, maybe I’ll just stay in and relax this weekend.  You have the house, you have a car for the convenience, you have a disposable income for your leisure, but you don’t have time. You barely have time to spend time in your house and enjoy the things you purchase in it, you don’t have time to use your car at your leisure besides the commute from work, the appointments and chores over the weekend because you don’t have time in the week. You have no time to go out and enjoy your money.

Maybe I should reduce my hours, get a less demanding job? I’ll have more time to enjoy these things, but with less hours, less responsibility comes less money. The kind that just gets you by, you now have time, but you don’t have the disposable income, all your money pays for necessities. You can’t live the life you want to live and enjoy the things you want to enjoy and treat your family the way you want to, because you don’t have the money. So the circle continues…

The more disposable time we have, the less disposable income we have to enjoy it, the more disposable income we have the less time we have to enjoy it. A large majority of people spend the largest percentage of their time in their workplace, we work to be able to live and end up living to work. The catch 22 of our world.

I’ll save you!… With my eyes?

1 Jun


So I’d like to think I’m a good person, that when faced with adversity I will step up and do my duty as a decent, empathetic, caring human being, sort of.

So yesterday, fairly pleasant morning for May in the UK this year. I was sat in my Dad’s living room, yes I am 24 and still living at “home” (sigh). The living room has glass patio doors which look out into the garden, we haven’t lived here long, but senior citizens lived here prior to us (look at me being all politically correct), so the gardens pretty nice to look at, thank you dearest old folk. Where was I? Yes so sat on the sofa peering out with my warm beverage of hot milk in hand, lol I’m not helping the “I’m an adult” claim. The wind blows, the plants wobble about, but one plant is moving around a bit more than the rest. Oooh creature! I love animals from a distance, well I’m scared shitless of anything that moves beyond my anticipation, but its behind a screen so I’ll embrace the live nature documentary.

A small, grey thing which seems to be rolling around in the same spot in the bed of plants. Look a little closer, its grey bird flapping about. Charlie’s good deed of the day? Well if stating the obvious is a good deed, hell yea!

“There’s a bird flapping about in the plants” my dad and one of my little brothers go out to look and it doesn’t move so they assume its dead. Maybe in the attempt to make me look insane the bird only moved when I was looking at it. So as any caring person I think its hurt I should help it, use my initiative, get some plastic bags for makeshift gloves and make my 12 year old brother go pick it up. It doesn’t want to be picked up so it goes a bit wild and ends up stuck in some sticky plants. RSPCA are rather blasé, I thought this was meant to be the emergency services for animals! Wouldn’t leave a human with a broken arm to just lie there, actually sounds about right for A & E. Got my Dad on the other hand wanting to euthanize little tweeter, so I do what I do best and keep watch. Now in my head I felt like I’m doing something of benefit for this bird, it is stuck in some sticky plants with a broken wing, but fear not Charlie is going to save you with her stare. Sounds rather sadistic now, but I didn’t want to stress it out (It would just freak me out if it moved when I touched it) and didn’t want Dad to end its existence, so lets call it standing guard. So I sit squatted on the floor for a good half an hour, waiting for the RSPCA to get back to me, with a pair of nail scissors in hand trying to snip it free from the clutches of the evil plant, even though the bird can’t fly, clever Charlie.

My Dad gets pissed off with me hovering around, in about 5 seconds comes out with a shoe box, puts the bird in and hands me the box. I so could of done that.

The point of this story? It just made me question can you be a genuinely empathetic and caring human being if you are a complete and utter pussy. Yes you may have good intentions, but if it doesn’t reach beyond a thought process how is it of benefit for anyone or anything for that matter. Fear, stupid fears, like it would be understandable if there was a threat. How would I react if it was a person? Mind power them to safety? If you don’t actually DO anything to help, does it really matter if you feel sorry for it?