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23 Mar

Holy friggin moly!! I just encountered my first actual magician, illusionist whatever you want to call it and I am scared shitless. Not at a show, not a street act. A middle aged Sikh man approached me in an ASDA car park.

He initiated by making reference to my face, so I assumed he was giving a slightly creepy compliment. It’s not something out of the ordinary in the area where a live. I can’t remember everything he said to me but it started off as him telling me about my character and the positive and negatives about it, making some future predictions etc. That didn’t really phase me, I’ve had a few people including my Thai neighbour who have randomly felt like doing a bit of fortune telling.

Amongst all of the talking and telling me things I should and shouldn’t do in order to get my wishes in life, he did some prediction illusions. One of which he wrote something down on a scrap of paper, scrunched it up and handed it to me to hold. He followed with some other comments then asked me to write down my favourite fruit without saying it out loud. I was debating with strawberry or mango but strawberry was the first to come to mind so I wrote it. He then asked me to write down how many children I want to have. Again I was debating between 3 and 4 and ended up writing 4. He told me to keep the pen, took the notepad and asked me to make a wish, then open the piece of paper. Lo and behold! He had written exactly that. I was a little impressed, but thought strawberry is a popular fruit and maybe 4 is a common number.

He continued to give me spiritual advise based on my choices. He then asked me how old I was, to which I replied 26, all the while worrying that I was giving away too much information and he was probably identify thief compiling data on me. He began scribbling away on another scrap of paper, scrunched it up and handed it to me again to hold. He then said that he had written down my date of birth, he asked me to write it down on his note pad. Considering I thought he was distracting me for some type of fraudulent activity, it was a bit naive for me to write it down. I almost wrote the wrong year and he shook his head do indicate he knew I was writing it wrong. He then asked me to open the piece of scrap paper in my hand, so I did. It was my date of birth. At that moment I was in genuine shock. Out of 365 days in a year, where would he pluck that date out from. I’m looking around myself, at my car thinking “where is this coming from?!”.

I was fairly scared. I kept looking to my bag and around me in case someone was robbing me while I was distracted. I’m paranoid like that, probably watch too much Crime Watch. I was trying to edge away to make a move now. He drew out a spider diagram type sketch and darted random numbers at the end of each leg. He asked me to choose a number and hold his pen, so I did (with my right hand), he then asked me to blow on my left thumb. He took my thumb, pressed it on a blank space on the paper. As I lifted my thumb away there was an identical copy of that number now printed on that blank space. I was baffled! Did I touch the ink? I looked at my thumb, nothing. By this time I was scared shitless. I felt my heartbeat increase. I genuinely didn’t know what to think and still don’t. My father thinks I’m a buffoon and its all tricks, but how?

When I asked, the man responded that its all down to meditation. Is there a simple explanation to this illusions? Has anyone experienced anything similar? I’ll leave you with the phrase he kept repeating “Don’t worry, be happy”.

Now where did I put those life plans?

30 Nov

I feel empty… incomplete… like something’s missing. I’ve forgotten something somewhere or that there was something I was meant to do perhaps.

I feel a bit lost to be honest. I created this blog as an outlet but still hold back at times.  I was just laying here wondering who I could talk to and nobody came to mind.  Growing tiresome of holding it in.

I wouldn’t say I’m an overly organised person but I need to know what is happening.  Lack of control scares me. The unknown puts too many possible options in my head. I’m sure I’m not the only one,  but when you’re young you have an image in your head of how things are going to be at a certain age. The milestones that you would have passed.  The place you’d expect to be in life.  How you would feel. The people you would have in your life.  As I got older the image would change.  The plan would change every few years, as different things take priority in life. To the point where I don’t know where I am,  I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or where I want to be. Perhaps I do in a dream world sense but how much of that could be a reality in real time.

It’s come to the month of December,  another birthday looms.  It’s almost a year since I had a similar episode and created a list of things I wanted to have experienced or achieved in 5 years time, to help me get through the confused place I was in.  I’m moving through it,  I’m ticking things off.  Doesn’t quite feel like the solution,  but I guess it helps knowing I’m trying to make the most of what I can.

I fear aging.  I fear wasting time doing nothing.  I fear regret of not enjoying years that should be enjoyed. I fear just existing and not living. I fear living my life anxious and miserable when I have so much to be grateful for. I know I am still young and there’s lots of time, it just doesn’t seem like my plans are even on the horizon or within reach.
I spent many years thinking I had found the correct path for me , finding a new religion, changing my way of life, which totally threw me off my original path and plans and then for that to fall through. I feel like I’ve been picked up and placed at the start line again after getting a third of the way through the race. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure it out what it is I want now.

Maybe the solution is to let go of that control. Perhaps if I don’t worry about having been single for so long, it would just fall into place at the right time. If I didn’t worry about if this is the career I want to spend doing for the rest of my life, I could just focus on doing what I am and move into something else if the opportunity arises. If I stop worrying about my biological clock ticking away, it would take away the pressure of someone meeting the tick list in my mind and maybe then I could actually feel something for someone. Perhaps if I focused less on my loneliness and lack of friendships I can appreciate the lifestyle and friends I do have. It’s just easier said than done. I wish I knew what I want. I wish I knew what I need. I wish I knew where I was going. I just have to let go, maybe then I’ll be happy living in the present instead of anxious about the future.

Dude… Where’s My Car?

26 Nov

Bbrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnngggggg!!! 6:30 am, time to get ready for work. As with any other weekday I sluggishly drag myself out of bed to get ready. Returning back to my bedroom I open the curtains…..Wait! Something’s not quite right about this view. My car isn’t there…I parked it outside right? Where did I go yesterday? Nowhere, I came back from work late yesterday and parked right outside my house, the usual spot.  Took a picture of a bottle of coke someone bought for me with a name on. I got out and routinely pressed the button to lock it. Did it roll away? I can’t see it anywhere. “Daaaaaaddd, erm… my cars not there!!” I called out. Perhaps he moved it. No?

Someone stole my car!!!! So, I have recently become a victim of car theft. If not inconvenient as it is, but on a weekday when I had to get to work. I don’t think it is something anyone can be prepared for, regardless of the day. My first car, my baby, I feel like I didn’t appreciate her enough until she was taken from me. Well the arsholes took my Tom Tom, sunglasses, auxiliary wire and a duvet too (I was planning to take the duvet somewhere). They weren’t on display, but it will teach me not to empty my car of valuables at least. I was angry, I am angry! Someone just takes my belongings that I work hard for, my convenience, interrupts my lifestyle at no fault of my own. Why? Because he/ she is a selfish twat! What annoyed me more was that I had just got my car serviced, MOT, road tax, breakdown cover and paid out for a new year of insurance, not all of which I can get it back. I reported it to the police, and checked with any towing company’s but no luck. It hadn’t been towed away for any reason, and the police couldn’t do much and closed the case after 3 days! I took it upon myself to ask local shops for CCTV, but it doesn’t help when a shop owner isn’t sure how to use it, or that all cars look the same once it gets dark. Booo!

I’m not quite sure what to do, I was hopeful that I would get my car back but its been a couple months and there has been no news, I suspect she’s been pulled apart for parts. I bought my first car from new with the expertise of my dad and the discount of my uncle. So I’m not quite sure how to go about getting a second hand car, and all the paranoia that goes with that. Any tips?

In loving memory of my Ladybird x


5 Day Gratitude Challenge

30 Oct

Last month I got nominated for the 5 day gratitude challenge. Ordinarily I probably wouldn’t have taken part but due to unfortunate circumstances I felt it would be good to focus on the things there are to be grateful for.

I guess it’s a good time to get nominated for this 5 day gratitude challenge thing. Let the soppiness begin.

Day 1:

1) I was and am grateful for the years I had with my ladybird (car) and that I was able to drive to wherever my heart had desired with ease.
2) I am grateful for all my experiences in life, because they are the building blocks of my character and make me who am. Even though I may be a bit of a cow.
3) I am grateful for being safe during such circumstances.

Day 2:

1) I am grateful for my health, and I hope that it remains as good as possible for as long as possible.
2) I am grateful for friends that distract me from negative times, whether its driving all the way to the other end of London to pick me up, or bringing me surprise cake when I have a bad day. (Thank you)
3) I am grateful for food! Not just it being readily available but the many different flavours and varieties it comes in across cultures. Drool, man I love tasty foods.

Day 3 of my soppiness:

1) I am grateful for the opportunities to have an education.
2) I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to travel, though there are lots of places I’d still like to go.
3) I am grateful for the relationship I had with my grandparents and the time I had with them. ❤ ❤ ❤ 

 Ok, this is actually becoming a challenge to think of things lol, though there’s probably lots to be grateful for.

Day 4:

1) I am grateful I can eat whatever I like and not have to worry about anything lol. Yes I am grateful for my petiteness. For some reason it seems to bother other people. I cordially invite such individuals to come watch me stuff my face with cake that you can’t have because of your diet biatch!!! 
2) I am grateful that I have been free to make my own choices in life.
3) Lets go for a cliché, but oh so worth being grateful for…Shelter! Oh so thankful for the secure roof over my head.

AAaannnd Day 5!

1) I am grateful that have been successful in most things I have put effort in to achieve, and hope that I will also be in any future endeavours.
2) I am grateful for the crazy, unperfected, mane I have on my head I wouldn’t want it any other way. Hoping I still have as much as possible as I age, this stuff falls out like crazy. Aaarh!
3) I am grateful for Life, and everything worth being grateful for in it (lol not a cop out)

Induction over!

8 Aug

Respite at last! My induction year at work is finally come to an end. I have not been on WordPress for several months now, it got so intense and overwhelming at times it partly made me want to leave the profession. I guess everyone goes through difficult times in their careers, especially at the start when there are high expectations to meet to prove yourself. I’m just hoping that things ease up a little bit, with experience comes better expertise and hopefully things will come more naturally, or at least I’ll learn to deal with the stress and anxiety better.
It really didn’t help with my anxiety, it was at a peak and even on my days off I couldn’t relax, with a constant feeling of pressure in my chest. Although I am a naturally negative and pessimistic person (which I wish I wasn’t) I hate that it is only a year into  a career that I thought would make me happy, but I have now built such negative feelings and associations with it. After all we probably spend just as much time working as we do having free time, if not more. Is it really healthy to feel that way so often? It was stressful. I am well and truly burnt out. Was it worth it? Only time will tell.


Child’s future foretold…

28 Mar

We’ve all seen that child, the one with domestic problems. That one that’s still playing outside when it has turned dark. The one that teaches your child the swear words in school. The one that has been wearing the same clothes all week, holes in his shoes. The one that can’t afford to buy simple stationary to complete his homework, but Mummy had enough to buy Rizla. The one that is regularly taken out of class to be questioned by social services. Doesn’t concentrate in school, parents have no aspirations for him. He’s only as good as the expectations of him, as good as his parents status. Future drug user on benefits. Future foretold.

How often have people done this, foretold the future of that child based on their circumstances. Put less effort into advising him, less effort pushing him to work harder in school, after all we know what kind of future that child will have, right?


We don’t all turn out to jobless drug users, our parents and broken homes do not define our future. I was one of these children , one of the children on the child protection register at school, pulled out every so often to be questioned by the social services. Couldn’t afford a nail clipper because there is not enough money, so you steal scissors from school so you can cut your nails, but there was enough money to be spent on alcohol, cigarettes and whatever else. I have a job, a decent job, I went to university, completed all required qualifications to get there. Yes, I wasn’t really heading in the right direction as a child or a teenager, in fact it was a fluke that I even decided to go to college, it was only then did my aspirations change. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or seek sympathy, I am glad for every experience because it defined who I am. I am just frustrated with this stereotype being put on children, they are categorised and put in a box, pushed aside with an expectation that they won’t achieve much. I know I’m not the only person that chose a different lifestyle from that which I was brought up in. We all have the possibility to change our future, even as adults, it’s never too late. Yes, our upbringing does play a big role however children are open to many influence’s, they might have a negative influence at home, but you never know the difference you could make just by believing in them. Make suggestions, advise, let them know you care.

Please do not let statistics make you neglect the ability to change that child’s direction in life.

Cultural obsession with the white woman

16 Mar

Her beautiful fair skin touched by the glistening rays of the sun, she walks by with the wind drifting through her long, straight, flowing blonde hair. Her beauty is immanent, as you gaze, wishing that a day will arrive when you can stare into her sparkling, crystal blue eyes. Make her cheeks blush with a tint of rose, while you brush her freckled face with your hand. To you, she is the most beautiful woman in the world…

Well not just to you, in fact many cultures would deem this description as the ideal picture of beauty. This description describes the features of a white woman.  I would even go as far to argue that in many cultures there is an obsession with the beauty of the white woman. You’re thinking this is a interracial dating rant aren’t you? No that isn’t the issue at all, the issue is the inferiority complex many cultures have that are linked to the ideals of beauty being defined by the beauty of an Eurocentric image. I’ll begin with what led me to make this post. The other day I was on my way to work when I overheard this conversation between a two black women, one of which had her child with her:

Mothers friend: “She looks exactly like you except she’s got dark skin…where does she get the dark colour from?”
Mother: “Her Dad”
Mothers friend: (Turns to child) “Why are you so dark?  Why couldn’t you be fair like your mum”
(both turn to her with a sigh of disappointment)

I have had friends from Indian Asian backgrounds, and in my youth witnessed them try out all sorts of creams, lotions and potions to lighten their skin, and had always wondered why. Why do they want to be light? What’s wrong with their colour? In particular where did this desire to be light come from? Why were their parents buying it for them? I knew that there was a cultural preference but I had never personally experienced to understand the severity of it. As soon as I heard this conversation, it made sense to me, its the people closest to you who also have this complex, a chain of people feeding their issues to their children.

A day later I was in a shoe shop, there were two little black girls, whom I assumed to be twins as they looked a similar age and had identical features, however one was lighter in complexion than the other. The two little girls were looking at themselves in the mirror, while the lighter skinned child was confident and posing, the darker skin girl was looking at her sister and then at herself, she then said “I look ugly, don’t I?” bare in mind these two 6-7 year olds looked the same with only skin colour differentiating them. This made me think what does she see that makes her feel less beautiful than her sister? Either way I stopped her just to say “No, you are beautiful”. When I walked out, I considered how that may of seemed a bit creepy, a random women telling a child that she’s beautiful, but I needed her to hear it, she was only 6 or 7 years old and she was already believing that she is ugly.

Later that day on the way home, I was sat next to an Indian man on the train, which shortly became evident he was not very well mentally. Amongst the things he was pulling out of his bag were several hand written notes to himself entitled “white women exist” with a further list of steps to take, finished with now you have a white woman. Which just made me think and then led me to this post.

I have always noticed it within Afro-Caribbean and Asian communities I had been around growing up, skin lightening creams, blue or green contact lenses, dying hair blonde and light brown, relaxers and straighteners, weaves and extensions. Risking skin burns, hair loss and all sorts to meet a specific criteria of beauty. The features that people were trying to adapt are features most prominent in white women. Yes there are people within those racial groups who naturally have light hair, light eyes, straighter hair, fair skin and freckles and they are put on pedestals for it. However I perceive this desire to change what we naturally are as an inferiority complex, our world boasts an array of different features that define our heritage and culture, why can’t we embrace our differences? Yes the blonde woman, with the blue eyes and freckles is beautiful, but so are you! Embrace your natural beauty, your deep brown eyes, your wild curly hair, and the many variations of smooth chocolate skin that we come in. Remember that the ideals of beauty are just a cultural mind set, is there only one type of beautiful? Change the mind set, change YOUR mind set! Don’t let your daughter grow up thinking she’s any less than the princess that she is, let her see the beauty in features she has, there is always positives in features we have that others might not.

A letter to teenage Charlie…

20 Feb

I was reading a few articles where people had written a letter out to their teenage self, if they could tell themselves something, if they could advise themselves, what would they of said, what would they have warned themselves about. I thought it was a really interesting idea and wondered what would I inform myself of. As it turns out, quite therapeutic.

Hey Charlie,

Its me, well you in a decade or so, here are a few things I thought I’d give you a little heads up on.

Love: First and foremost, you are young, don’t even worry about relationships yet, there’s lots of time for that. Secondly why do you have to go for the unworthy knobs? You are going to look back and think WTF? There’s no rush, you won’t gain nothing from being in a relationship just to avoid loneliness. Don’t choose men with the intent to change them, remember that religion and culture are big factors that you can’t really influence, stop trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, you will never meet it. You choose people as indecisive as you. I know you don’t have feelings for the ones that would throw a fucking parade if they could be with you, but don’t just keep them there for your security, they have feelings too.
You really need to stop the “make sure there is no going back thing” your a bitch, stop it. Men need reassurance too, stop being so emotionless, they think you don’t give a shit, you make them feel easily replaceable. Don’t waste your time just for the sake of it, follow your instincts. What you want and expect will change. Don’t expose the depression too much, it scares ppl, they can’t deal with it, you’ll have to deal with that alone.

God: Guess what? Your going to become a Muslim, and a rather dedicated one at that, what are you laughing at, I’m serious! When you get to that point, stop Charlie, stop rushing, just stop… Think. Don’t do this out of fear of death. What are your reasons? How do you know this is the truth, undoubtedly ? Are you truly doing this for yourself? Take your time, read into it, learn about it, look at it from all perspectives before you make your declaration of faith. If you didn’t have the influences you have in your life right now, would you be doing this? You change your mind a lot, just take your time and don’t go in all guns blazing.  The people who are in your life right now are not going to be there for long, the people you will meet are not sincere, everyone will change, the excuses will change. Things will change a lot before you even realise you have changed, and it will be harder to come out of, than it is to go in. Make changes because you want to, not because you feel you have to. I know you don’t like being told what to do right now, but your entire life will end up dictated to you, you probably can’t even imagine that right now. You do need it, you will learn from it, it will change you and humble you a bit, but it will be an emotional rollercoaster. You will feel calm for a bit, things won’t stay that way, as for after that, I haven’t got that far yet.

Self confidence: Stop complaining, join the gym as soon as possible, you’re going to complain about not starting earlier. You’re still a little insecure, can’t help you there, but you’re actually going to lose the confidence that you currently front. Just remember You are beautiful, you don’t need to prove that to anyone, everyone has their own beauty, you don’t need to feel insecure based on other peoples ideals. Don’t let your insecurities make you make the wrong decisions.

Studies/career: Stop being a fucking knob, yes life is a bit shit but your only ruining your own prospects, you’re going to do quite well anyway but you could do a lot better if you made some sort of effort.  You’ll be ok, keep trying it will turn out better than you think it will. Erm after uni, find a place, get a job there!! There’s nothing interesting waiting for you in London, but make sure you visit your grandparents, they’re lonely, they’re not happy and they won’t be here much longer, do the right thing, its more important.

Family: I know its been difficult, you will get through it, forgive her, she doesn’t understand. Be there for everyone, but don’t stay too close, you can’t deal with it, you will get on better that way. He won’t forgive you, its ok, be there for them, but you don’t need them, they’ll tell you that you can’t, they’ll tell you your incapable, but you’ve got this far, you don’t need to reconstruct your child hood now. Fuck it, its done leave it in the past! They wasn’t there when you needed them, you don’t need babying now, pretending you’re incapable will not achieve you what you think it will.

Socially: You’ve probably learnt this already now, but don’t be afraid to do things alone. Travel too, do it, you haven’t done it yet alone, but take that leap you have more confidence now than you will in a few years time. Your life will still be undecided at 25, don’t hold back from doing things expecting to have to settle down by 25, you won’t need to, disappear, enjoy, don’t let your loneliness get to you, people will come and go, don’t put too much into it. I know you just want to let people in, but you’ll have to be prepared to be hurt a little. Don’t live your life for other people, you have to face your own consequences. As for what people think, who give a hoot! You know what is right in your heart, remember that.

Overall life isn’t too bad, you’ll be ok, it gets better before it gets worse, but I suppose that’s life, there are ups and downs. Nothing is set in stone, life will take turns that you aren’t expecting or didn’t plan for. As much as I’d like to correct my mistakes, these experiences are the things that make us who we are, experiencing the lows is what guides the path to the highs. The negatives construct knowledge of how to do things better next time. I still don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know what the future holds for me, and yes I do let it get to me sometimes, but I’ll just imagine a future me in 10 years time saying that things will all turn out OK, just do what you feel is right :).

Always here for you Charlie,
Lots of love,


7 Cardinal Rules for Life

20 Jan

What have you done in your 25 years?

10 Jan

I recently turned 25 and entered my quarter life crisis. I may have entered my quarter life crisis a little early, with my many doubts pertaining to my lifestyle, morality, personal views and choices. It has felt like a very unsteady stage in my life, at a time when I would have thought I would have more things decided and secured, particularly in my mind. That wasn’t the case. That anxiety clouded my mind and made me ask the common questions; “What have you done in your 25 years?”, “Where is your life going?”.

I’m not quite sure where its going, perhaps not knowing everything that is going to happen is part of the mystery of the future, but that question influenced the making of my Quarter Life Crisis page. Life so far has taught me, that you really can’t be sure how things will turn out next, and there’s only so much that you can plan for, and I’ll accept that as discovery I’ll come to know.

Further influenced by my Quarter Life Crisis page, is this post. I refuse to let my negativity and this period of uncertainty get to me and make me feel like I haven’t achieved or experienced anything worthy of mention. Therefore this post is to remind myself and answer my question “What have you done in your 25 years?”.

25 things in 25 years just to name a few…
(In no particular order)
1. Passed my driving test, first time.
2. Graduated my undergraduate degree.
3. Passed my post-graduate degree.
4. Skydived.
5. Trekked Snowdon.
6. Scuba dived.
7. Parasailed.
8. Jet skied.
9. Went horse riding.
10. Experienced another religion.
11. Got my first car.
12. Got the job to start my career.
13. Watched the sunrise in Cyprus
14. Went skiing in Italy.
15. Splashed away in a boat by Cascades d’Ouzoud.
16. Got first aid certified.
17. Volunteered and fundraised for charities.
18. Attended several protests.
19. Voted for the first time.
20. Taught myself to cook (to my own taste lol).
21. Joined a gym and stayed consistent with it.
22. Paddled across Lake Como.
23. Bared the pain of watching a loved one die.
24. Let go of my anger over my childhood.
25. Experienced living in another city for 3 years.