Do I stay or do I go now?

3 Aug

If you have read some of my previous posts you may be aware that I am 24 and living with one of my parents (sigh), and you may also know I recently got a job. If you didn’t well, now you do 😉 .

When I was 18 I ensured I applied to a university in a city far too far away to be able to commute, so that I could initiate moving out, after 3 lovely years of independence as a student, I didn’t have a job to go into and made the decision to temporarily move back to my Mums house while I searched for a job. That was 3 years ago 😦 . My Mum was eager for me to move out, having got used to the idea when I moved out at 18, so I moved in with my Dad.

Ok so I’ve got a job now so what’s the problem, why question if I should stay or if I should go? Well that all boils down to do I rent or do I buy? I would like to own my own property but that would mean staying with my Dad for a few more years to save up money to put down a deposit, if I rent I wouldn’t have spare money to do that. It sounds pretty straight forward and a simple answer, well  not quite.

My urgency to leave is based on several things, one being that having moved out before, I’m used to my own space and independence and it feels odd being in someone else’s space. I have a very awkward relationship with my parents in general but especially with my Dad, it might have to take a few more posts to be able to explain the context of that. My Dad wasn’t around for the majority of my teenage years and from a distance when he was, he also has some issues which makes him express how much he hates me for being born on a daily basis, though it might sound like it, he isn’t mentally unstable, well as far as diagnosis goes. Yea if you haven’t already guessed from that, my childhood wasn’t too great. Anyway so I have those emotional issues to deal with. In addition to that, as my Dad wasn’t around much when I grew up and not having other older children that have gone through the gradual freedom, he still treats me like I’m 13, so gets in a odd mood if I were to be back too late, or if I wanted to leave the house in the evening e.g 6:00 pm. Considering I grew up in a household were my Mum literally let me do as I pleased when I was young its strange to feel restrictions at 24, be it non verbal, but restrictions none the less. As sweet as it is, my Dad will cook for me everyday and ask me what I’m doing if I start to cook, I miss my own damn food!!! How ungrateful does that sound, but to have South Asian food everyday when your not used to South Asian food can get a bit how shall I put it, irritable. Having had such independence from my early teens without choice, its difficult now to in reverse have things done for me and not be able to do as a I please. Which makes me think that perhaps it would be better to rent for a little while and save a little slower. Then comes in the South Asian mentality, “Why do you need your own place? Renting is a waste of money” but on the other hand frequent suggestions made to go get married and move out 😐 . WTF?! I don’t get it, you don’t want me here, but you don’t want me to move out, but you do if someone sweeps me away.

Why don’t I just leave, I’m an adult, I’ve only been living with him for a year? I DON’T KNOW!! Perhaps because of the awkwardness of our relationship I wouldn’t want to put added strain on it by ignoring him and going and just doing as a please. I really would like to be able to buy a property, I understand that renting is just lining someone else’s pocket with not much gain for me, but at the cost of my sanity. I am aware how ungrateful I sound, but it eats at me, as much as I try to ignore it, the little digs hurt, being told your hated by an absentee father kind of grinds on you after a while, if the childhood issues of not having a Dad weren’t enough. Do I stay? Do I go? What kind of sane person stays where they are hated? I get frustrated that I don’t spend enough of my life doing the things I want to do, would I want to waste a few more years of independence? Does it really matter? Its so frustrating, sometimes I think maybe I’m being petty, other times I count down the days of how much more I will need to endure. But the countdown ran out, do I start a new one?

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